In case you are wondering (because I know you are) my hair is looking as great today as it was during my last post and, for that matter, every other day ever.
And yes, I'm fashionably late to making this post. It's part of the Iron Man Charm.
But, so I thought, what do you pitiful readers like to hear about? I mean, you guys are here for publishing and books and YA or whatever, while I only use this blog to admire my gorgeous bio pic (but I mean really, LOOK AT IT. I am flawless), so what to talk about? And then it hit me: ME. You want to her about me. I can’t blame you, of course, because I want to hear about me too. But not just me. You want to hear about me as a bookish person, because I guess that's what this blog is "technically" about. So I’m going to tell you about what would happen if I were a literary agent. (Besides the part where I make a million sales and savor writers’ tears as I sit on my throne of dollar bills and cackle at the world...)
I, of course, will be one of those charismatic literary agents who goes to literary cocktail parties and charms all of the surrounding editors, while also getting into passive-aggressive fights with other agents. (Literary cocktail parties aren't a thing, you say? SO YOU THINK.)
Being the superior human I am, my response times will range from three years to one century, as I will be too busy admiring myself in the mirror to focus on anyone else's needs. My form rejections will be very tender and thoughtful, though, like “Due to my massive popularity, I must reject all of you inferior queriers. I hope another agent is not unfortunate enough to land you as a client.” A great way to cushion the blow, I know. If, however, I request your manuscript, I will read it through my mirror. That way, I can work while also staring at my own perfect face. Plus, if the manuscript is awful, I’ll have something positive to distract myself with.
When I offer rep, I do it in style. I fly to the writer's house in the middle of the night, go down their chimney (because I'm basically a Literary Santa), stand over their beds while they sleep, then tacklehug them and tell them I'm offering rep and they have five seconds to accept it before I leave. They usually scream a bit first, hit me with a fire extinguisher, but when they realize what is happening they get on their knees and cry over how amazing and kind and beautiful I am, etc. etc. You know. The usual.
On the client side, when I send books on submission, I put on my suit and fly across NYC, dodging other Avengers and literary agents while also beating up Loki when needed as I deliver manuscripts safely to hungry editors. I don’t, however, edit manuscripts before I send them out. When I’m your agent, your manuscripts edit themselves. (Yes, I'm that good.)
And when an editor loves one of my client’s books? We don’t go to acquisitions. Acquisition comes to us.
I am also very skillful when it comes to contract negotiation. I always negotiate in person so the editor can be distracted by my great hair and drop-dead good looks. That way, I always get what I want.
That's all for now. Be on the lookout for my first client book, HOW TO ANNOY LOKI WHILE ALSO SHOWING OFF YOUR GREAT HAIR IN THREE EASY STEPS. It's a guaranteed #1 NYT bestseller, I just know it.-Iron Man