Things I Tell Myself

As a superhero, I spend a lot of time on my own.  Friends-- like Sam, Nat, Tony, and even Peggy in the old days-- are always by your side for the big stuff, but what about the small battles, like buying your own eggs?  How do you choose a dozen that isn't all cracked and gross?  What about ordering your first pretzel from a kiosk on the street?  I can't call in Thor every time.

(Nor would I want to.  His hair gets tangled in absolutely everything.  I didn't know my shield could even... you know what, never mind.)

For all the little battles I face each day, I make up a lot of witty catchphrases and pieces of advice for myself.  I tell myself these things, chuckle a little bit, and then feel a bit weird because I'm giving myself advice I already know.

So, obviously, I'd like to give all of you this advice!  Here are my little snippets of thoughts.  I hope you find some of them applicable.


The tighter your pants, the more blood goes to your brain.  That's why superheroes are so smart.

If you eat a sloppy joe with gloves on, you have hand protection and a napkin at the same time.

There are two things that make a great superhero.  I haven't figured out what they are yet.

Sometimes you just have to kick the pigeon.  [This one's a little weird, I admit.  A pigeon was trying to steal my food by making cutie eyes at me.  I had to shoo it away.  That's a problem I have sometimes-- when someone is really nice to me, I have trouble saying no.  But sometimes you just have to kick the pigeon.]

Tony wearing a necktie is one of the scariest things you will ever see.

Remember those two things that make a great superhero?  Spider-Man has neither of them.

The shorter your hair, the more likely that Tony will respect you.  [Exception is, of course, Pepper, but think about it.  I believe he respects Fury quite a bit-- he can't stand Bucky.]

Moving your hands does not equal intelligence.

Crayons are the greatest invention on this earth.

Now that I know about Loki's wild side, I regret never asking about his eight-legged horse child.  I feel like that would have made the battle of New York a lot more dangerous, though.

No one complains about the second floor of a one-story building.

The above is true unless you take a two-story building and take out the second floor.  Then they complain.

Never try to write in public wearing your supersuit.  You think it'll be cool, but you don't end up writing much.

About that theory on tight pants: maybe when you have loose pants, all the stupid falls down there and you can think better.  So looser pants make you smarter.  That's why superheroes are so stupid.

What did one storm drain say to the other storm drain?  "I'm not thirsty anymore."

Being good at punching does not make you good at punch lines.

When you're writing and your characters are having a conversation, make it happen somewhere really interesting so it's not just a bunch of dialogue and shifting in their chairs.

When there's nothing to write, just write a whole lot of nothing until you find something worthwhile.  [That doesn't mean stop writing until you find something interesting.  Just write whatever comes into your head.  Sort of like this post.]

I'll probably end up in jail for turnstile jumping, but it's not my fault; this suit has no place to put my wallet.

I know my suits have two pieces, a top half and a bottom half-- how in the world does Spider-Man go to the bathroom?

These thoughts would probably be better as tweets than as a blog post.

I will never be good at yoga.  The sooner I accept that, the better.

You can make a mean bowl of ramen inside a ukulele.


You are your own best cheerleader.  I don't care what you use as pompoms.

I know reading while exercising is probably a bad idea-- sweating on the pages and all that-- but I really want to try it.

There should be more ways to use that little spring from inside a mechanical pencil.

A world without doorstops is a world without joy.

Someday I'm going to have to wash this supersuit.

Always say what you mean.  Unless you're always mean about what you say.  In that case, mean say the always.  Wait, what?

A Capella is great, but wouldn't two Capellas be better?  How about three?

If you put your stick in the mud, you will get mud on your stick.

That's about all I've got.  I apologize for the lack of writing advice, but there are some gems in there.  For other obfuscated inspiration, check out Oblique Strategies for fun and profit (and probably confusion).  In the meantime, happy writing.

I believe in you.